They say when you marry a guy, you marry his family too. How true.
Ed and his sister have always had a strained relationship. I've known them both since we were all in our teens and I'd always thought that he was very unkind to her. In fact, when I first started going out with him, I used to advise him to be more patient with her. But it didn't take me long to realise that the problem was with her, not him.
Lazy (doesn't want to get a job, expects her mother to take care of her son);
self-absorbed (thinks the world of her son and expects everyone else to think so too);
self-righteous (goes around telling people how to live their lives);
moody (happy 1 minute, upset the next for no particular reason);
critical (very quick to point out the problem with everyone else, conveniently overlooking her very own faults);
ungrateful (shouts at her parents and makes them do things for her, when they've already sacrificed a lot for her by moving into her place and paying for her and her son);
inconsiderate (expects the whole family to wait patiently for her every morning while she takes her shower, puts on her make-up and gets dressed);
attention seeking (constantly posts on Facebook about how smart or cute her son is, expecting others to comment and concur). These are just come of her characteristics.
But like Ed, I tolerated her. For 2 simple reasons: (i) she'd lost her husband to cancer 4 years back; and (ii) for the sake of Ed's parents. Whenever she was rude or shouted at me, I bit my tongue and kept quiet. Whenever we had family gatherings, she decided the agenda and dominated the conversations. Whenever we had meals, she decided the menu (typically based on what her precious son wanted). It was clear that no one - except perhaps her and her precious son - really had a good time whenever she was around. My parents-in-law as well as my husband and I always have to be so careful about what we say or do for fear of upsetting her. I had never encountered a family where everything and everyone revolved around 1 person.
It's now been 7 years since I first started going out with Ed. Nothing has changed. If anything, she's gotten worse. So today, I've decided I've had enough. I've tried the tolerant approach and it doesn't work. My parents-in-law appear to have simply given up on her and decided to just give in to her on everything. Which in all honesty isn't really my problem
except they seem to expect my husband and I to do likewise. And frankly, I can't. I just can't. It's been almost 5 years since her husband passed away, surely she cannot still use that as an excuse for treating us so shabbily??? Another things that annoys me is, she treats outsiders much better than her own family. You will never catch her raising her voice or throwing her tantrums with outsiders.
No, enough is enough. If my parents-in-law want to suffer silently by giving in to her, that's their choice. I can't and won't stop them. But if they expect
me to do likewise, I'm sorry but I simply can't. I was not born into this world to serve her or make her (and her precious son) happy. I most definitely will not sacrifice myself or work my butt off to support her (and her precious son's) leisurely lifestyle. Thankfully, Ed understands. I think he too has been holding it in for the longest time (mostly for the sake of his parents). This past week has been a wake-up call for the both of us. My parents-in-law, sister-in-law and her precious son came to stay with us and the one thing we've learned is, she's not changed one bit and things are never going to change if we don't start standing up for ourselves.
Ed had a heart-to-heart talk with his father about his sister and made it clear that we will not be supporting her and her son, not even when my parents-in-law are no longer around. As for me, I will no longer force myself to spend time with her and pretend to have a good time. Of course, I'm not going to go head-on with her, that's just not my style. I will simply avoid her and minimize the time I have to spend with her. So if there's a family event and she's going to be present, I will kindly excuse myself. If my husband is not around (like tonight, he had to go for a company function), I will make an appointment so that I do not have to spend time with his family. When it comes to meal time (especially if we're buying), we just decide and buy back (instead of asking her what she wants). And for the coming Chinese New Year break, I'm going to stay with my parents (instead of staying at her place as we've done for the past 3 years). I don't even care anymore if my parents-in-law see it. In fact, at this stage, I actually
want them to know that I don't like her and I don't enjoy her company. They need to know that not everyone is going to give in to her the way they do.
I know that this is not the most diplomatic way to address the problem. But we've tried the nice way and it doesn't work, so it's time to switch tactics. I guess we have to be prepared for some repercussions, but as long as my husband is on my side, I'll be fine. Only time will tell how this plays out.
